Sunday, November 16, 2014

5 things...why your love is incovenient to the general public

Despite evidence to the contrary (this post included) I am actually all for love. I'm not going to spend an enormous amount of time elaborating on this point, as people far more talented and articulate than I am have used their considerable talents to celebrate love in various artistic forms. Certainly love has provided the inspiration for some of my favourite things- Variation On the Word Sleep by Margaret Atwood, one of the most glorious poems ever written. Any song by Fleetwood Mac, a band that have made the long journey from joyful love to hate, from spite to indifference, all the way back around to forgiveness. I even have a Landslide inspired tattoo. Finally the most obvious, Romeo and Juliet. Particularly Baz's version, which slays me every time and makes me do that weird air sucking kind of crying that is both mortifying and cathartic. I last watched this on a 13 hour plane flight. Mistake.

So when I tell you that your love is a royal pain in my ass, please understand it is constructive criticism. I need you to know that I am SO happy for you. I am thrilled you get to lie in bed together on a hangover free Sunday morning, drinking coffee and being smug about the fact you are so drunk on your own love that you didn't have to get shit faced last night. It's so super lovely you have found each other amidst a sea of lonely, lost souls, especially in an impersonal city like London. However I would appreciate if, when you are out in public, you could tear your eyes away from each other for a minute to think about the fact I'm in a hurry. So here it is, 5 reasons why your love is really incovenient.

1. Hand holding. People...unless your other half is a toddler, a puppy or a pensioner, I am pretty sure they are able to walk unaided for a few minutes. I get that a single second not touching your so called 'bae' feels like you're being sucked straight into hell, but after almost 3 years of being single, I feel equipped to assure you that you are gonna be OK.

2. Extreme hand holding. What I'm talking about here, is when you are walking about a metre apart and holding hands. Usually there's a level of arm swinging involved which would not be out of place if you were running happily through a field of tulips or daisies or something. If I am out for a run, this is particularly infuriating. When I make the decision to exercise once a week, I take it seriously enough that I don't want the experience to be stopping and starting like I'm in a McDonalds drive through. Because then I feel like getting a McDonalds, which is counter productive. Going forward if you are doing this, I will have no option but to take Jules' advice and burst through your joined arms like a finish line ribbon and shout 'I made it! 50th place, that's a personal best!'

3. Enjoying how the city is just SO much more beautiful because you have each other. That sunset behind the Shard is friggin splendid, I agree. If I wasn't so caught up in my need to get home from work to enjoy my meal for one in front of Buffy re-runs, I too would probably stand in quiet contemplation and have a little weep. However, it is cold and I didn't bring gloves, so if you could please stop blocking the path, take a photo and enjoy it later in the privacy of your love nest, that would be great.

4. Walking one mile an hour. When we were in Sicily my step mother told me that back in the glory days of the mafia, the super slow evening promenade was an intimidation tactic. So if I wanted to let somebody know who was boss, all I had to do was take a geriatric paced stroll past their house (presumably wearing a wide brimmed black hat and smoking a cigar) and they would know I was watching and waiting for them to make a wrong move. I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you are your beloved walking at a pace not unlike bank holiday traffic on a motorway, is NOT because you are trying to intimidate the family of squirrels in the park. Unless they stole your picnic, they are cheeky mofos like that.

5. Intense kissing and hugging (verging on dry humping) on the tube. This isn't really inconvenient, so much as just gross. However, if it's after 11pm, I'm giving you a pass. You're probably drunk, so I support your attempts to get lucky. When it's a Tuesday and a school night, we can't be up all night to the sun, so power to you for getting some before the last tube.
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